Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
