We're like a lot better than the average bears
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
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I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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