I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i think i have two assholes
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
