i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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