woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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