I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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