seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
