chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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