ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
