I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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