she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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