I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sorry about my life...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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