what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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