so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
