I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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