She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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