i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
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I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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