i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
