woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
