halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
