im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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