We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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