He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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