Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
