i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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