she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
