I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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