He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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