you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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