Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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