Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
