I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
