even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
