Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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