I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
