Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
