i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
