Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
