Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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