Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
