genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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