I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
