at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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