oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Actions speak louder than pants.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
