My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
