There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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