So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
