Nicole vs. Life
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
