Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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