just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
