i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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