so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
