You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
