If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
