i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
