After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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