i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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