I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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