I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
