im drinking this country out of the recession.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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