I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
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As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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