This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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